Dawn Chronicles: Bad Habits
by Chewy Cornflake
Summary: This is the first story of the series, "Dawn Chronicles". Dawn has been stealing lately, but will she pick up a new habit? WARNING* Contains scenes of strong language, depression, and self-harm. I OWN NOTHING; I AM NOT WORTHY TO OUR GOD JOSS WHEDON.
1. INTRODUCTION

This story also shows the strong relationship between Buffy and 16 year old Dawn. This is the first story and I will also be foreshadowing to sequels. If you enjoy the first story, then please stay tuned for sequels to follow. (I know what you're thinking.. Really? Is this going to be some emo bullshit written by a 13 year old who also listens to Blood on the Dance Floor? Do I get to look foward to an unrealistic story with loads of grammatical errors? No, no, and no. I'm going to clarify that this is a piece of young adult realisitc fiction written by a 17 year old. The author wants to convey that they aren't emo and do not indulge in head banging to scene music. But hey, if that's what floats your boat, go for it.) Also, these are no journal entries of any kind. This will be a story from Dawn's perspective. Hope you like it! (Also there will be no crazy unrealistic shippings for Dawn. Hence, realistic fiction. That doesn't mean I necessarily discourage it. I believe fanfiction is _fanfiction_ so anyone can do whatever they please. )

P.S. I know these aren't fun to read so feel free to skim over (or you know, feel free to skip entirely). CURRENTLY WORKING ON SEQUELS CURRENTLY WORKING ON SEQUELS.. twice for emphasis.


	2. Chapter 1: Tequila

Ch. 1 Tequila

So...when will she see? When will she notice? When will they care?

I've gone all my life craving my sister's attention. It wasn't crucial when I was 5 and she left me home alone. It wasn't crucial when I was 12 and she left me home alone again (that time concerning Angel). It wasn't even crucial last year when I found out I was the key. The day it became absolutely needed was the day my mother passed away.

I'm 16 years old and would probably be considered a kleptomaniac. I tend to steal things everytime I go out of the house. Whether I'm in the magic shop or at the mall. I can't help it in all honesty. I'm scared of getting caught but at the same time I just want someone to notice me. I love the rush I get when I slip things in my back pocket. It makes me forget about everything else (for a second, anyways).

I've also been sneaking out lately. It's not like she pays attention to me anyways. How would she know that I'm coming back home at 2.a.m.? I try walking to my bedroom as quietly as possible. I see Buffy's door is wide open. Suprise, suprise. No Buffy. Then I hear the toilet flush. Crap, Willow! Willow stepped out from the bathroom, rubbing her eyes.

"Dawnie? Dawn is that you?"

I try to sound as tired as possible (for someone who just downed five shots of tequila less than half an hour ago), "Yeah," I yawn overdramatically, "Just heading back to bed."

I head towards my door only to be interrupted. "You sleep in those clothes?" Willow was now walking closer towards me. Shit.

"Willow, I can explain."

Her nose wrinkled, "Have you been drinking?"

I hear the front door open only to see Buffy walk in. Shitttt. I notice how Willow deicided to place her hand on my arm (as if I was going run off..).

"Buffy come up here," Willow calls as Buffy sludges up the stairs.

She looks at Willow curiously before giving me the stare down.

Buffy is glaring at me, "Dawn, what the hell is going on?"

I look over to Will who picks now to be silent. Why can't she just rat me out and we get the whole thing over with. I sigh, "Well, I kind of snuck out," I'm only looking at the floor, "and I didn't realize it was this late." I also didn't realize I was this drunk. My voice sounds glazed over and I feel pretty uncoordinated.

"Why don't you tell her what else you did, Dawn." Willow is giving me the same look Buffy is.

I try to look offended, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Dawn," Willow nudges my arm, almost making me fall over, "I know you've been drinking tonight."

Buffy corrects her,"WE know you've been drinking tonight."

How does a drunk Dawn handle this situation? Easy; I remove myself from the situation. I turn around and head towards my door, but not without feeling the strength of Godzilla pulling me back.

"Dawn," Buffy has a damn choke hold on my arm, "You do not walk away when we are talking to you."

I keep focusing on the ground. The more I focus, the more I zone out. The more I stare, the harder it is to keep my eyes open. I'm suddenly snapped back to reality.

"Come 'ere," Buffy takes hold of my chin, "Let me smell your breath."

What. The. Hell. "No!" I keep squirming but like I said, Godzilla. God-freaking-zilla. By the time I utter that word Buffy has already wiffed my breath.

"Damnit Dawn," She lets go of my chin, "your breath smells like nail polish!"

This was probably the moment when those extra five shots of tequila stepped in (I forget to mention the fact that I had previously downed four shots as well), because I really don't remember what happened next. I see toilet. I see me hurling in the toilet. I see a look of true dissapointment from Buffy and Willow. I see bed. I see Buffy attempting to change me out of my vomit-soaked clothing. I see instant regret.


	3. Chapter 2: Regrets

Ch. 2 Regrets

I wake up to a ton of bricks grinding into my skull. Damn, how much did I drink? How much more bright can this room get? Oh shit, I'm in different clothing. Dawnie, you fucked up. I feel sick all over again. Maybe if I die from a hangover Buffy won't kill me. I'm way too afraid to go downstairs. One false move could send Buffy through my door at any given moment. I must remain quiet until she forgets I exist.

A sudden knock comes from my door, "Dawn, you awake?"

I suddenly remember that I'm supposed to be asleep Appearantly, Buffy takes that as a sign to enter my room.

"I suppose you already know what's coming next." Buffy has her bitchy stance game on point.

In typical teenage fashion I respond,"Grounded for life?"

"2 months." Hearing those two words sparked instant back lash.

"No way." I give the same bitchy stance back.

Buffy then takes that as sign to sit at the edge of my bed. "Maybe you shouldn't sneak out and drink."

I look down at my hands, "I'm sorry."

"Dawnie," Buffy reaches out for my arm, "I know you are. If you mean it then you will quit sneaking out and doing illegal things, deal?"

Ew. Yeah, right. Gee, only if I get to go to bible camp afterwards! "Okay."

Buffy gives me one of those meaningful looks before getting up and walking towards the door, "By the way, there's gonna be some new rules around this place. Bed time you ask? 10 o'clock sharp. After school you will come straight home and do your homework. No watching T.V. until then. I work overtime tomorrow so I won't be home till 11. Willow kindly agreed to stay home and watch you."

I grunt in frustration. Just before Buffy closes the door she peeks back in and says, "Also, I'm bringing back the chore chart."

Nothing says new day like the death of all others to come for two months. I eventually get up and head to the kitchen for late cereal. As I'm going towards the cabinet I notice Willow reading the newspaper. Damnit, I hope things aren't too awkward. I get out my bowl and cheerios before she finally says something, "How ya feeling?"

How does it look like i'm feeling? It's 1 o'clock and I'm just now eating breakfast (that is if I don't throw it back up), "Fine, I guess."

"Buff laid down the law, huh?" Willow actually looked sympathetic.

"Yeah, kinda." I give her a little smile.

"Well," Willow gets up from her chair, "hopefully ya learned an important lesson, Dawnie."

Yeah, to sneak back up through my window next time. "Uh-huh." I look down and try to give my best 'I'm an angsty teen who doesn't care about what you're saying' look. Willow obviously doesn't care either way because by the time I look back up she is already gone. I used to think Willow was pretty cool until we got into that car accident. Ever since then she has been like Buffy. They think they're keeping me safe, but in reality they just end up keeping their distance from me. Buffy and Willow must have to pretend to care about me at this point. Buffy is never home. Never. The last month or so I was going and entering as I pleased. She had to have known this was already going on. But the one time they accidentally catch me they have to act like they care about my well being. Gimme a break. I've had it with all this. The next thing I know I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I panic and run upstairs to my room. I was darting up the stairs before I realized both Buffy and Willow were in the living room. I heard them distantly say something to me before I slammed my door. I didn't care that they saw me and they probably didn't really care either. I'm blubbering like a baby. I'm crying so hard that I can't see but I feel plenty of snot trickling down my nose. I throw myself onto my bed and bury my face in my pillow. I let out a muffled scream. I can't just lie here and cry, it only makes me more frustrated. I spring out of bed and pace back and forth across my room. I get the overwhelmng urge to wreck my room like I did when I found out I was the key, but I decide against it in a moment's time. I know I will be the one cleaning up the mess with no sympathy from anyone (only my mom was, really). Oh God how I miss my mom. She's gone. I wish I was gone. I can't think and the next thing I know I'm grabbing the scissors from off my desk.

I trace the scissors back and forth on my wrist. C'mon brain, think! Where is my common sense now? Owwww. The scissors pierce through my soft flesh. I cry even harder. This feels relieving. I trace the scissors back and forth before I see blood pour from my new cut. This is what they made me do. It's come down to this. But it's a different kind of pain. It's physical. It brings me flashbacks from when I was 14. I had snuck out to break into the magic shop, only to find out I was the key. When I went home I panicked (much like I am now) and grabbed the kitchen knife. I had practically stabbed myself before running out into the living room like a maniac. But that was different. I just wanted to see if I was real. Right now, I know I'm real. This cutting shit feels pretty real. I like it. It released my anger for a moment. I threw the scissors down before taking deep breaths. My tears finally cease when I hear Buffy finally trot up the stairs. I grab an old shirt and quickly tie it around the cut. I throw on a baggy sweater and jump into my bed and under the covers.

"Dawn?" Buffy slowly opens the door. I can tell she knows how hard I've been crying (she had to hear my baby blubbering from downstairs). She gives me that warm Buffy smile before sitting on my bed. She starts running her fingers through my hair and it makes me start to cry again. Her soothing coos make me close my eyes and let the tears flow down my face without a care. She brings my head to her chest and wraps her arms around me. Great, back to sobbing uncontrollably now. Buffy keeps her patience and slowly rocks me back and forth. Even as I start to calm down; I can still hear Buffy's soothing voice reasurring me.

"Shhhhhh," Buffy softly whispers, "Dawnie, everything's gonna be alright."

After a few minutes Buffy finally lets me out of her release. I then close my eyes as she begins to wipe the tears from my cheek. I see her reach over for my tissues before placing it over my nose. "Now blow." As I do so I hear my clogged up nose being slowly drained.

Buffy goes back to stroking my hair, "Is this because I grounded you?"

I look down at my fidgeting hands. I want to tell her how I really feel. I want Buffy to know that I feel so alone right now. I miss mom. I miss my sister. "I guess so." I chose none of the above.

"Well," Buffy looks indecisive, "maybe I was too harsh."

Maybe the warden will lighten my sentence!

"1 month," Buffy looks around the room, "and you're allowed to see your friends on the weekends."

It's funny how fast someone's outer mood can change, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I wrap my arms around Buffy.

"Not so fast cowboy," DAMNIT, "curfew is 10 p.m." DAMNIT.

"Fine." I try to roll my eyes in a discreet manner.

"Hey," Buffy waits until I look at her, "everyone deserves a good cry now and then, huh?" She playfully nudges my arm.

"Yeah, hush." I give back a damn believable fake smile.

Buffy shoots me a smile back before kissing my forehead. Buffy gets up and heads towards the door before saying, "I'm thinking takeout tonight. Sound good to you?"

"Yeah."

"Love you."

"Yeah. Love you too."

I immediately get up and close the door. I lift up my sweater and remove the blood-stained shirt. Wow. Cuts always used to seem so minor. It's a lot different when you put them there purposely. I gotta get a bandaid on this motherfucker. I don't feel 'emo', but the act I committed was stereotyped accordingly. I guess now I just have to accept that this was a thing that happened. I also need to make sure that nobody finds out. I peek out my door and see if the coast is clear before booking it to the bathroom. I apply first-aid cream and a bandaid to the cut. Now no one can see what I've done (but they sure as shit can see that I tried to cover something up). I'll just say I got this the other day from falling. On a large stick. Which hit only my wrist. I'm not good at bullshitting so I'l just stick to long sleeves.


	4. Chapter 3: Return of the Alcohol

Ch. 3 Return of the Alcohol

The next few days were pretty routine for a grounded girl. I carry on with usual business and every once in awhile my happiness bubble is popped when I remember I'm grounded (Buffy, if you already have punished me, DON'T REMIND ME OF IT EVERY OTHER DAY. K THANKS). I stole another necklace from the magic box today. The retail price was $56.00 dollars so I feel kinda bad about it. I'm out of hot water (for the most part) as long as Buffy never finds out. I've also had a tough time covering up my 'accident'. Yes, I call cutting myself an accident.. it's not like it was a thought out thing. Like I said, it just happened. Anyways, I live in California AKA somedays it's hot as satan's balls and I would rather not wear an oversized sweater. Buffy was kinda suspicious today when I came home from school wearing a sweatshirt. I panicked and said I was cold (yeah, not a smart thing to say when the forecast is 90 degrees). We don't have a thermometer so Buffy felt my forehead and naturally I was burning (sweater + 90 degrees = hot and sweaty as fuck). So now it's a Friday and I'm forced to stay in bed. The first night that I had a chance of freedom and now I'm stuck at home. Buffy also won't let me stay at home by myself since I'm 'sick'. She keeps checking up on me every half hour and just brought me soup. I acted like I was too weak and tired to lift up the spoon and made her feed me. If I'm gonna stay home on a Friday, I might as well play it up. It's 12 o'clock and she just went to bed. She said if I started to feel really bad that I could go sleep with her, which is actually pretty nice. But, yeahhhh, I feel like sneaking out would make me feel a lot better.

I place a few pillows under the covers and crawl out the bedroom window. I told Kit I'd meet her at the Bronze in 30 minutes. I arrive at 12:35, near perfect timing.

"Hey, Dawn." Kit taps me from behind the shoulder. I'm wearing jeans and a tee while she has on black leather pants and a crop top. I've realized recently that I'm more attracted to girls than I am guys. I think for now I will keep this to myself, though. If I ever came out to anyone it would be to Willow. It's not like I've fallen in love or anyhing, so I don't see the big rush in announcing it to the world. Also, before anyone gets ooked out, I'm not attracted to Kit in that way. We are best friends (and Kit is totally straight).

"Wanna try and score some drinks?" I look over towards the bartender. It's not like I'm an alcoholic, but I like to have a good time when I go out with friends.

Kit smirks, "Be right back with a round of shots."

I watch as Kit goes over to the bartender and flirts it up. They are both laughing when Kit finally leans in to ask him a question. He smiles and hands her an entire bottle of Bacardi 151. Damn. Is he trying to get us fucked up or what? I'm not complaining, though. I see Kit strut herself back over to where I'm sitting. She holds the bottle like it's a trophy and continues to model it.

"I would like to thank my parents, my manager, and most importantly, the alcohol Gods!" Kit and I both start laughing.

"Wanna take the first shot?" Kit hands the bottle to me. And with that, I take the cap off and take my first drink of hard liquor. Yep, I nearly died. I instantly start gagging and my throat feels like fire.

"UGHH. How the hell do people drink this shit?" Kit and I once again start laughing. I hand the bottle to Kit and can see the fear in her eyes.

"Ehhh, I'm kinda nervous about taking a drink!" She closed her eyes as she knocked back her first drink. Her nose flared up and she looks like she is about to spit it back up. "Not as bad as I thought it would be," Kit says as she struggles to recover her voice. Three drinks later and we are fairly gone. I look at my watch to see it's 1:30. I also look over to the restrooms and notice I have to piss.

"I'm.. I'm gunna go piss."

"Ok, I'm gunna go.. I'm gunna go dance."

Yep, don't sound drunk at all! I head over to the restroom and proceed to the back of line of many others who are waiting to use the facilities.

"Hey!" The girl in front of me yells. She appears to be with other friends.

I laugh, "Hey!" She then holds up her hand for a high-five and I gladly accept.

"Ya having a good time?"

"Yeah," I smile, "just took a few drinks of Bacardi 151, so I'd say I'm doing pretty well."

The darkish brown haired girl looks like she had just recieved the best news on the fucking planet. "No way! If I gave you a drink of my Captain, could I try some Bacardi?"

Sure, why not? I've never tried Captain before. "Sure, why not!" We have a pretty good conversation until I finally get to pee. I learned that her name is Tessa and she's Native American, which explains her light brown skin tone. She's in the same grade as me (11th) and just turned 17, and we go to the same school! She also doesn't think I can hold my liquor. She is probably right but I won't let her know that. She has short hair, nice brown eyes, and long eyelashes. She has style too, that's a major plus. She's also insanely funny and I can tell she isn't just a party animal. You meet so many people at the Bronx who just seem one dimensial. She actually seems like a real person. A real, nice, funny person. Let's just say she doesn't seem like the kind of person who would text, "lol ttyl c u soon".

"How was taking a shit?" Tessa nudges my arm on our way back to my table.

"I had tuh' pee I already told you!" Our laughter shortly ceases as I see my phone ringing. Shit, Buffy is calling me.

"I uh.. gotta go," Tessa looks pretty confused, "Look, see my table over there? Tell my friend that I had to go."

"What? Why?" I can tell that she looks pretty bummed.

"I snuck out and now my sister is calling me. I'm dead."

"Well if you're already caught, why don't you just stay out?" I can tell she really wants me to stay. I mean, so do I.

"I wish I could. But the longer I stay out, the more dead I will be when I get home. Plus, she will probably go looking for me. I don't feel like making her worry. I hope you understand."

"Nah, it's okay. Will I see you at school?" She looks at me eagerly.

"I hope so. Gotta go!" I yell as I run towards the exit. Once I make it outside I realize that I'm pretty wobbly. The hard part will be making it home. The long journey home was a blur. I fell over quite a few times but finally made it back to my street. I see the living room lights are on; not a good sign. I get up to the door and see it's already unlocked; NOT A GOOD SIGN. I step inside and the silence doesn't last for long.

"Dawn!" I hear a distant sounding voice. I know Buffy is standing right next to me but she sounds like she is standing on the other side of the room. I hear her say something but my mind doesn't register it. I can tell where this is going. This is the part where I can't remember what happens next. I remember thinking how bad the situation was and that I should've lsitened to Tessa. I should've just stayed out and sobered up. All I remember is seeing vomit on my shirt.

I wake up to the bright ass sun and instantly feel like dying. I know why I'm in different clothing and I know that I fucked up bad. I honestly feel like ending my life for a split second. I'd hate me if I was Buffy. I already hate me for screwing up this bad. I start crying. I can't stop, either. I get up and throw things around while pacing back and forth again. I know what I'm gonna do next. I grab the damn scissors and cut below my old one. I cut back and forth with my scissors and yell out in pain. I don't care who hears me because this shit hurts. It feels so good, though. I feel like a piece of shit who deserves this. Finally, I throw the scissors down after making three fresh cuts. Wait, why isn't there a bandaid on my old one?

Buffy must've saw the bandaid while changing my clothes last night. I hope she didn't think it was self inflicted. I calm down and lean against my wall. I stay sitting on the floor and try to calm myself down for the next hour. I put a couple bandaids over my cuts and throw on a sweatshirt. I slowly get up and leave my bedroom. I head down the stairs and prepare myself to recieve the death penalty.


	5. Chapter 4: Maximum Sentence

Ch. 4 Maximum Sentence

I trudge down the stairs in a very discreet manner. I want to see if anyone is in the living room before I make my presence known. I see Buffy sitting on the edge of the couch. I knew she was going to be waiting; she's good. She is staring out the window as if she is waiting for her husband to return from war. I finally make it down the stairs and slowly look up. I see Buffy looking into my soul.

"Dawn, take a seat." Buffy pats the couch cussion beside her.

"Look," I swallow noticably, "I'm-I'm sorry. I really am."

"I am too. Willow and I are concerned for your health, Dawn. You have to stop sneaking out every night. I know I haven't been there for you recently and I'm sorry. But I'm trying and you're gonna have to try to."

I nod in agreement, "I know, I know. I don't know why I snuck out last night, honest. I was just gonna go for a walk, I swear. I needed to get some fresh air (lies) but my friends drove by and asked if I wanted to hang out with them. I went over to Kit's house and I got too drunk (lies.. I wasn't going to let her know that the Bronze is my favorite hangout place?!). Buff, please, don't be mad."

Buffy takes my hand, "I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed."

Hearing that is worse than bad. It's like I'm-already-six-feet-under-and-having-someone-let-their-dog-do-their-business-on-my-corpse kinda bad.

I stare off in the distance dramatically and start thinking of all the terrible things I've done while Buffy continues talking. "I can't keep waiting up till three in the morning to have my baby sis stumble in the doorway like some drunken hobo. Dawn, I can't keep holding your hair back while you throw up and change you out of your clothes every damn night. When I said we were going to make changes, I meant it," Buffy takes hold of chin and faces me in her direction, "Do you hear me?"

I can multi-task, bitch. "Yes."

"Good," Buffy goes back to blabbing, "Xander is coming by this afternoon to do some work on our house; starting with a security system."

"What?" Hearing this makes me face Buffy. She has my full attention now.

"Yes, and only I have the password... so if you get the urge to sneak back home through the front or back door the handy alarm will sound, notifying the police immediately as well as either I or Willow."

Ohhh, so scary. I can just sneak back home through my window; no biggie.

"That also reminds me," Buffy continues, "Xander is also installing some metal bars outside your window for the time being. Ya know, just in case you try to sneak out again."

I immediately stand up, "That is such bullshit!"

"Dawn!" Buffy yells.

"I don't care if I used bad language, I'm pissed off. You can't just keep me prisoner in this stupid house forever!"

"That's so not what I'm trying to do and you know it. I just want you to follow the rules! I know you're growing up and I know it's frustrating to be grounded. But you need to follow the rules that I give you. Go have your fun on the weekends; all I ask is you do your homework and be back by 11 p.m. on school nights. I don't think that's too much to ask for! If you keep running around and doing as you please, you're gonna flunk out of school! I'm not saying you need to get into Harvard or some other ivy league school; I'm not even saying you need to go to college, Dawn. I just want you to graduate highschool!"

"Why do you even care if I graduate highschool?" I yell back. I honestly don't care if I do or not. I'm already failing classes as it is.

"So I know I didn't fail you," She has tears in her eyes. I think it's bullshit. She once again has to act like she gives a damn.

"It's not your fault if I hate school! Jesus christ!" I'm so pissed off right now.

"Yes it is, Dawnie." Buffy wipes the tears from her eyes.

"Fine. Whatever," I start comicly wailing my arm from side to side, "Hey everybody look at me, it's the world's first ever teenager to hate school!"

I'm quickly cut off by Buffy, "Of course you aren't the only kid to dislike school. But you're also failing several classes. You skipped a week last month, yeah, don't think I don't know what happens, because I do! I'm raising you, it's my job to make sure you at least show up to school. Don't you dare say that it's not my fault if you don't graduate."

Ok Jesus, chill the fuck out. "Look, I see your point. I already apologized and you already punished me. Let's just move on. I'm going up to my room."

I walk past her and quickly walk up the stairs. As soon I step into my room I cut myself again. It's more effective than crying or screaming into a pillow. Plus, Buffy didn't ask me about the cut, so I'm not going to worry about. I then get to watch Xander install metal bars, which I can hardly stand. I also can hear Buffy testing out the alarm system (it's loud as shit and it works so stop messing with it!). Finally, one hour later, I hear Buffy say goodbye to Xander. As soon as he shuts the door I hear some sort of timer ticking followed by four loud beeps, which I assume was Buffy entering in the passcode. I start to read a book when I hear a knock on the door.

"Dawn," Buffy calls out from behind the door, "may I come in?"

"Yes," I sit up in my bed.

"I was thinking since I don't want you seeing your friends these next couple of weekends that you and I could go out and do something."

"Like what?" I roll my eyes. Gag me with a spoon.

"Well how bout we head out for icecream and maybe a little shopping? I mean it's only the afternoon and we shouldn't let a Saturday go to complete waste."

"Fine."

"Alright, meet me downstairs in half an hour." Buffy closes the door and walks away.


	6. Chapter 5: Fake it till you make it

Ch. 5 Fake it till you make it

Eating icecream was boring and I'm in no mood to shop.

"Buff," I look over, "can we just window shop?"

"Sure, Dawnie. How bout we stroll past Ralph Lauren? I know we can't afford it, but we're only window shopping, right?"

"Yeah, sure." I'm not interested in any of this junk right now. Once we get to Ralph Lauren we decide we might as well just go in. While I'm browsing I hear a familiar voice call out.

"Hey Dawn!" I look and see Tessa walking over to me.

"Hi," I smile and tuck my hairs behind my ears.

"I didn't know you shopped here." Tessa has an ear-to-ear grin on her face.

"No, we don't, just looking at stuff." Tessa and I exchange stares until we are interrupted by Buffy.

"Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?"

"Tessa, this is Buffy. Buffy, meet Tessa."

"Hey Buffy, nice to meet you. You're Dawn's sister, right?" Buffy and Tessa shake hands.

"The pleasure is mine, and yep, I'm Dawnie's no-fun sister you've heard all about."

"Well, somebody has got to keep this kid in line!" Tessa looks over to me and we all laugh. She is pretty funny.

"So," Tessa continues the conversation, "wanna hang out with me for a little while?"

I look over to Buffy and her eyes scream NO. "Sorry, wish I could, but I'm kinda grounded."

"Kinda grounded for a month," Buffy interrupts.

Tessa can see the tension and decides to say goodbye, "I will for sure see you at school, then. Take care guys." Tessa then walks back over to her other friends and I can see her whispering and looking back at me. Well, in her defense, I haven't stopped looking at her.

"Ready to go home, then?" WOOP, WOOP. NIGHT OF FUN!

"Yes, yes I am." I turn around and leave the store.

It's not that I'm embarrased to be seen with Buffy. Except for some strange reason, I was tonight. Maybe, it's because she grounded me and I'd rather not hit up the town with her. Maybe, it's because I know I'm taller than her and I sometimes feel like a weird giant in situations. Maybe, just maybe, it was because I saw Tessa. I don't know. I went to bed that night thinking about none of these things. Right when I was falling asleep my mind wanted to remind me that I had cut again. Is this an addiction? Will I stop stealing; only to start cutting? Will I do both? I don't know.

The next morning was overwhelmingly sunny, as usual. I went downstairs and ate breakfast beside Willow, as usual. I proceeded to the living room and watched T.V. with Buffy, as usual. At least I'm going back to normal life. I'm not so sure if that's a good thing, though. Returning to normal life means I will be returning to school tomorrow. I'm not like how Buffy was in school. I didn't have an amazing group of friends and none of the guys drool over me (not that I'm too focused on guys). But even that being said, I don't see any girls making googly eyes over me. You have your popular people, regular people, and you background. I'm definetely background. Kit's my best friend, not by choice. I love her to death but still. We kinda just had to lump together in order to survive.

"Dawn," Buffy interrupted my train of thought, "ya doin' alright?"

"Huh?" I processed what she said, "Uh-huh, yeah, why?"

"Well, it's just that I noticed you've been staring at the bookshelf for a good five minutes."

"Oh, right. Sorry," I smile at her.

"Hey, sweetie," Buffy looks over to me, "can I ask you something?"

Why the hell did she call me 'sweetie'? "Uhm, sure."

"The other night when you stumbled into the living room.. uhm.. I had to uhm.. change you out of your clothing, again.. and I.. uhm.. sorta noticed a cut on your wrist. Now, I'm not saying you did.. uhm.. did anything bad I was just.. uhm.. ya know.. uhm curious."

WHYYYYY. FUCK. Okay, I can be totally chill about this. I am from the great state of California; chill is my middle name. Yeah, color-me-chilled. "I don't know what you're talking about. Uhm, yeah I have no clue. I-I mean it was.. it was a total-like accident, ya know. Yeah, definetelly. I fell onto a stick, sorta." That fell so awkwardly out of my mouth that I'm not even sure a deaf person would've fell for it.

Buffy looks at me suspiciously, "Dawn, lemme see that cut again, please."

I suddenly have hot flashes and feel kind of faint. I'm not going to pass out but I wish I would at this moment. My luck might actually be the worst on the planet. How can this happen? I'm just trying to get by and this is the shit I get hit with? What am I going to do? Alright, just breathe. I won't let her see it.

"Why?" I jolt my arm back for protection.

"Dawn, you're scaring me," Buffy looks beyond concerned, "this doesn't have to be a big deal, just let me see it."

She tries to reach over but I stand up. Yeah, maybe this could blow over if it was just one cut.. too bad that's totally not the case. I have quite a few on my wrist right now and there is no way I can say all of those were "accidental". Why did she even have to bring it up? It's Sunday, for crying out loud. I look over and notice Willow has entered the living room. I'm assuming she heard the whole conversation.

I try to make a run to the stairs before Buffy yells out, "Will, don't let her go." Willow then grabs me by the waist, just before I was able to make it up the stairs. If you couldn't already imagine, I had a look of total and complete panic. I was cornered. I tried to wiggle out of Willow's reach but it was to no prevail. Buffy walks over toward me.

"Dawnie, you can either show me your wrist or we will do this the hard way."

Tears form in my eyes, "Buffy.. Buffy, please."

Buffy waits a couple of seconds to see what I will do. Willow still has her arm around my waist and Buffy is facing me. I have no choice but to watch my life crash and burn before my eyes. Buffy then takes hold of my wrist and rolls up my sleeve. She sees that I have couple bandaids on and looks up to me. She has tears in her eyes, too. She rips the bandaids off and a whimper escapes my mouth.

"Oh God," Buffy's voice is strained, "oh, God." She starts to cry.

"Buffy, please," I cry too.

"Dawnie, no.." Willow lets go of me and sits on the stairway with her head down.

"Why," Buffy wraps her arms around me, "why, Dawnie, why?" She begins to sob uncontrollably and we drop to the floor. We cry for awhile until I eventually settle down.

"Dawn," Buffy is still sniffling, "why didn't you tell me.. tell me that you were feeling this way?"

"I just did it once, I swear... after that first night I came home late. Then, after I snuck out again; I cut. I went downstairs and we got in that fight... so I went back upstairs and it just kinda happened then too. I've only done it a few times, I swear."

"Why didn't you just tell me how you felt? You didn't have to cut."

"I know, I know.. but I just panicked. Then, once I had already done it; I didn't see the big deal in doing it again, ya know? Buff, I swear it's not an addiction. It's just like when you do it once-"

"-You can't stop," Willow interrupts me, "that's addiction, Dawn. I should know of these things. Ya know, me... and magic."

"No, no," I try to explain, "Buff you have to believe me; I mean c'mon. I would never do this."

Buffy starts to cry again. "But Buffy, please!" It was to no prevail, she was shaking her head back and forth and buried her face in her palms.

"Dawn, I'm taking you to the children's phychiatrist over on 21st street," Buffy said while still crying. She stood up immediately, "Dawnie, cmon'. We gotta go," she said in between sniffles, "get your things, please."

Buffy then pulled me up off the ground and told me to go upstairs and get dressed. I lingered outside my room to see what Buffy and Willow were saying. I could hear Buffy crying (more like sobbing) and Willow trying to comfort her.

Willow sounds like she was crying too, "Buffy, it's okay."

"No, no it's not! My baby sister has been cutting herself and I was too caught up in my own life to notice."

"Buff, I didn't notice either. It's okay. You need to calm down. You might be overracting. Maybe we should calmy discuss it with Dawn before taking further action."

"No, Will. There will be no 'calm' discussion. It will end in more crying and screaming and pain. I can't handle it. God knows how Dawn feels right now. I think it'll be better if we just take her to a professional."

"But Buff-" Willow was quickly cut off as Buffy called for me downstairs.

"Come on, Dawn! Will and I are waiting, sweetie."

I don't give a shit. They make it seem like they are the ones struggling with this. It's me. Willow was right; I probably have an addiction. I'm a crazy emo bitch who is currently being judged downstairs by my own sister. I can't deal with it. Now I have to go to a counselor where they can confirm that I'm some crazy emo bitch. I don't want to go. I really don't want to. I don't want to be here, either. I don't want to be in this situation. I don't want to be alive. Now, for the rest of my life I will have live knowing how ashamed Buffy must be. I'm still going to be the same old sad kid who has no calling on this earth. I wasn't even born a human, so why should I have to stick it out for the long haul. I go to the bathroom and fumble around for a fresh blade in the medicine cabinet. My mind has kicked into overboard panic and I'm not thinking; just doing. I make a couple of cuts that were way too deep. I instantly feel ashamed and try to stop it but blood just keeps pouring out. I feel faint. I know I have to tell Buffy. Or I could go now. Maybe this is my way out. I can be somewhere else where there are people who care for me; where there is mom. Buffy said herself how much it sucked to be brought back to Earth. I still hold the blade in my hand and make my way out of the bathroom; showtime.


	7. Chapter 6: Showtimes

Ch. 6 Showtime

I stumble down the hall. I don't even have a gameplan as I approach the top of the stairs and make my way down. I see Buffy and Willow still talking on the couch and decide to interrupt the chat.

"You guys wanna.. you guys wanna see how I really feel?" I don't know what I'm saying or what I'm thinking.

"Dawn? What's going on?" I can faintly hear Buffy's voice.

I keep my wrist and razor blade behind me, making sure they're out of sight. I continue talking, "I'm tired. You know, I'm really tired.. of all of this. You don't get it Buffy. You don't- you don't get what its like to be alone. I'm not pretty, smart, or a slayer. I wouldn't even be good at construction. I'm a.. I'm a nobody. I don't belong here and you all- you all would be better off without me." I then make the worst decision that an angsty teen could possibly make. I lift up my wrist and razor blade for Buffy and Willow to see. I can't tell whats going on but I can see the horror in their faces. I make a successful attempt at my deepest cut; right on the vein in my wrist. Buffy tackles me down; but it's too late. I can only hear faint voices. It's hard to focus when I'm enduring the worst pain in my life. All I can think is that this better kill me or I don't know what I'm going to do. I hear screaming in the background as well as Buffy yelling, "Call 911, Willow! Call 911 right now! Oh my God," over and over again.

I'm convinced that this must be what it feels like to die. There was so much chaos around me but I could no longer feel the pain because I was blacking out. I barely make out the words, "I think I'm gonna die," before I actually blank out.

I woke up with a tube in my throat. It's the first few seconds of coming to realization when you don't remeber why or how you got there. You almost think everything is fine. But then, you notice the atmosphere. Hospital. You smell the smell. Hospital. You taste the taste. Dry mouth, tube in throat. I blink a few times and start to cough. I almost shit myself when I hear a loud beeping go off in my room. Immediately, a nurse comes in with a wide grin on her face, "Hey you."

I slowly raise my hand to wave. That's when I notice the gauze around my wrist. It hit me in that second. This is why I'm here.

"Did you have a nice rest?" The nurse walks over to my monitor and writes down information. "You probably want that tube out of your mouth, huh?" She runs her fingers through my hair. "I will be right back with the doctor. As far as I can tell; your vitals are fine. Dr. Smith is going to come in and double check, then we will notify your family." She walks out of the room and I'm left alone with my thoughts; exactly what I'm afraid of.

Dr. Smith comes in and gives me the OK. He then begins to explain to me why I'm here while I continue to look truly ashamed and embarrased. He gives a tired speech on how I could've died blah blah and how much my family and friends are worried blah blah and how I'm going to get help blah blah. Great, now I'm going to have to spend two weeks at some clinic where they will treat me like a statistic. I've been asleep for two whole days. I wish I was still asleep. No one is going to understand my situation. I'll admit that I'm depressed, but I was never suicidal. I just was panicking (again, I know) and didn't see a way out. I was so mad at myself for cutting again and didn't want to know how Buffy would react. Now I have to see how Buffy will react to seeing me. She will most likely strangle me. Or, the whole gang will come in at once and it will be awkward.

Buffy comes in my room alone; looking like she had just attended back-to-bakc funerals. Her skin was pale while her eyes screamed, "I'M EXHAUSTED AND AM HOPING YOU DON'T NOTICE HOW MUCH I'VE BEEN CRYING". She gives me a famous sympathetic smile and begins to tear up. She practically throws herself on me and buries her face in my neck.

"Buff, can't breathe here."

She gives a small laugh, "Sorry, just glad to see you."

She sits on the side of my bed and begins to stroke my hair.

"Buffy, when will I get to go home?"

"Once you get better Dawnie. The second you get better you will be able to come back home, I promise."

"Do you know where they will send me?"

"Don't worry, I won't let them send you out of the state or anything. Plus, I'm gonna make sure I can visit you as much as possible."

It's quiet for a few moments before I work up the courage to apologize.

"I'm so sorry."

"There isn't anything to be sorry about. If anything I'm sorry I didn't see what you were going through."

"Does the gang hate me?"

"Of course not, why would you think that?"

"Because, you know-"

Buffy interrupts me, "Dawn, listen. They are very worried about you and miss you. You know you've been asleep for the past two days? Anyways, they would never hate you. They love you so much. We all love you so much, Dawn."

"I feel better already."


End file.
